FOR AUNTY TINA,

It's weird when people die because you never really see it coming, so it leaves you wondering what to say and how to act. You tell the person who's lost someone that you're sorry for their loss and you tell them that it'll get better and that they just need to cling on to that hope. What they don't tell you is that it doesn't get better, they just learn to accept it after a while, but it doesn't get better.

The most vivid memory I have of you is Ella and JSI singing "Tina won't you blow" to you on the phone. I knew you were ill but I didn't know how bad it was. I thought it would go away like most illnesses do but it didn't. If anything, it got worse and I found out you had cancer, it scared me more than anything but my first thoughts were you would get better, you would get treatments and you would be just fine. The one thought that never crossed my mind was that you could die. I mean, I knew you weren't immortal but I believed so much that I'd see you again, it hadn't yet registered to me that you might not survive it and that's exactly what happened, you didn't. I couldn't watch you go through that much pain so I put myself in denial and tried not to think about it, but now I wish I had paid more attention.

I sincerely will never forget that morning phone call from my dear mother telling me they had lost you, I dropped my phone from the shock and denial that you were literally gone and lost forever. I will never get over that moment and what it felt like, it cut way too deep to be real. I took a walk to clear my head, I tried to picture you dead, yes, dead but I couldn't. All I could see was your smiling face and I could hear your laughter. I fell apart in a store and I have never experienced grief like that in my entire life. Every thought of you hurt, it hurt too much to breathe, it hurt too much to eat, it hurt too much to sleep and it still does. People keep telling me that it'll be okay and that the bright side is that your pain and suffering has ended but it's a lot more than that. It was one of those things where I thought you'd always be there, and that you'd always be in my life but I was wrong. Bad things always happen to good people and I've learned that the hard way. You were way too young to go and it hurts so much.

I can't write anymore because my eyes are starting to well up and my words are becoming blurry. You may not be in my life anymore but you'll always be in my heart. Rest easy, and I hope you're smiling down at me from up there. Say hello to the big guy for me, tell Him that He won because heaven just gained a special angel. I will always love you.

With Love,
Laura.
X
19-11-16